Lovers' Learning Lab
What Women Want:
A Man's Guide to Women
About Men, Women, and Relationships
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By about 30,000 years ago, our ancestors had greatly increased in number and had evolved in body and brain very close to the physical likeness we are today. Very few physical changes have occurred in human bodies and brains over the past 30,000 years. (Some women complain that some men's behaviors have not improved much since then either!) So here we are, still using a body and brain design that is approximately 30,000 years old! This body is designed primarily to mainly just survive and breed to produce children with our similar DNA. Furthermore, the physical design is optimized for an outdoor environment very different from how most people live and work today! Men are especially stressed having to work using a poorly designed body for the many modern daily tasks. No wonder women normally live longer than men by about half a decade!
The primary reason for the differences between men and women today is due to how their ancestors lived and survived in the past. Ancient men were the hunters who concentrated on ways to effectively stalk, kill and transport home the catch-of-the-day for the family group or tribe. Hunting was serious business and required creativity, cleverness, patience, and physical endurance. However, it did not require much talking or interaction with other men at a personal level. Men did not develop the personal communication and relationship skills that women did. Life for men back then couldn't get much better than having easy hunting and a woman or two to roll around in the rocks with after a meal. Somehow babies appeared. Didn't take long to figure out that the ones with penises could be trained to do the hunting so the old men could retire and spend more time rolling in the rocks with the least hairy and softest of their species.
Success for a man back then was evident mostly in how well he survived as a hunter. Good hunters were very important for the group's survival. The best hunters were greatly respected and valued, and that earned them the power to control the group. This rewarding position at the top of the group came with valuable privileges.
In the ancient past, achieving high status as a great hunter and provider for the group got a man the best of what was available in the group. That usually meant he had first choice of food, comfort, and all the women for as much sex as he wanted. That was the best life a man could hope for in those bleak times. (Some guys think that sounds pretty good even today!) Therefore, men competed for the rewarding position at the top of their group hierarchy. Everyday provided new opportunities to raise one's status, so men became very competitive.
Today's men still compete to achieve status and try to raise to the top of whichever groups are important in their daily life. This male drive for superiority is usually all too evident in groups of family, friends, neighborhoods, and on the job. However, today's men cannot easily prove that they are the best hunter of mastodons or whatever. Instead, many of today's men try to show their high status by succeeding in a career, displaying expensive possessions, or just bragging, exaggerating, and lying.
These ancient characteristics in men are programmed in the deep old part of men's brain. Fortunately, the newer outer layers of the brain are adapted to learning so most men today learn to be socialized. Well-socialized men display the major characteristics that are valued in their culture today. However, the ancient drives for survival, dominance, and breeding can become evident in violent ways in some men who get drunk or who disregard their socialization training.
In ancient times while the men were away on the daily hunt, the women tended the children and worked in groups for safety while gathering seeds, roots, berries, and nuts. These daily activities helped women develop a high skill for spreading their attention among several activities and people all at once. They talked much of the time while doing their chores and improved their relationships within the group of women. It was very important for a woman to be accepted by the other women in the group for her continued protection and survival. For thousands of generations, a key skill learned by each woman living in communal groups was how to get along with the other female members. Women learned to cooperate rather than compete like the men did. Equal and harmonious relationships within the group was the best way for women to survive in those hard times.
Today's modern women still place a high priority on maintaining good relationships,
even though it is not necessary to insure their survival.
Men and women are loaded with DNA programmed for living and mating in an ancient world very different than today's world. This old DNA causes men and women to behave today in ways greatly influenced by their ancestors. For Example:
Most of today's men use their brain or brawn to accomplish things that demonstrate their superiority in some field or task. They are still striving to prove themselves as the greatest hunter today. Interestingly, it is common practice for a dating man to take his woman to an expensive restaurant. An abundance of food given to the woman unconsciously demonstrates what a great hunter and provider he is! That is meant to impress her with his high status so she will give him what he really wants, and it is not food he wants! This still is largely true: "Men trade food for sex and women trade sex for food."
For women, relationship-building is generally a part of every activity with everyone. Women build relationships by freely talking about their daily trivia and troubles. "I will tell you about my life and troubles, and you may tell me about yours so that we can be really close." This unconsciously reassures them they have a good relationship, are protected, safe, and will survive.
When a woman tries to build a relationship with a man by talking about her personal life and problems, men don't understand what is happening. Men hear women's problems as a request for help, so men respond with solutions to the women's problems. When a man offers his recommended solution, the woman often feels as if he is trying to diminish her problem or cut her off. Women do not see a relationship developing with the man who wants to "fix her problems." Women don't want to be fixed, and feel like they are broken or defective. They want to be heard and form a close relationship!
What a woman needs before opening up completely to a man is a feeling of security and better chances for survival. In her mind (i.e. DNA programming) this is best achieved through a close relationship with a high status male. Unfortunately most men don't understand women doing relationship building and women don't understand men doing status building.
Summary of Fact 1:
Today's men and women are programmed in different ways for surviving and mating. Men and women seek sex in different ways.
These male and female differences cause misunderstandings, mistakes, and stresses in dating and mating in today's world.
Understanding these differences can greatly aid both men and women in finding their ideal mate. A better understanding of their differences will help insure a longer and more satisfying life together.
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Click here for Fact #2: How the Mating Game Really Works |
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