Fact 12:
What Latest Research Reveals About Relationships

Relationships Begin With an Attraction Between Two People

Men and women both say physical appearance is important, but for different reasons!

Men are unconsciously attracted to women who exhibit these characteristics. Healthy skin, hair, teeth, and eyes. These are appealing because they imply the woman can produce healthy children. A waist and hip ratio with the waist approximately 70% narrower than the hips. Men in nearly all cultures admire this because it indicates high fertility. Symmetrical face and body. This is considered "good looking" and indicates good health and low chromosome damage. Youthful. This implies low chromosome damage for healthiest children. The older the woman, the more chance for birth defects. Flashy and classy. A "trophy" woman demonstrates to all the other guys that the man is a "great hunter" -- or so his unconscious ego hopes.

Women are unconsciously attracted to men who exhibit these characteristics: Strong, healthy, and agile. In women's DNA is a need for protection and help during pregnancy and child rearing for many years. Sees his mate as valuable. More likely that he will protect and support her. "Value" to men comes in many forms. Acquires and controls abundant resources. Again, women's primary unconscious drive is to raise children and they historically relied on men to help make a home for them and the children. Tall. Six feet (1.83 m) is most frequent height desired, as indicated on surveys. A tall mate would provide good protection. Interestingly, women's desire for a "good looking" man is quite low on the list of desired traits on surveys. Other characteristics for insuring a long term protective relationship were the highest desired traits on surveys in all cultures sampled.

Future Mates Look for Similarities in Each Other

If there are enough similarities, the two people may agree to spend time together in an ongoing relationship. There are a huge number of possible areas where the two may have common interests. Here are some of the most frequently listed similar areas desired in partners.

• Similar interests and goals. Sharing time together involved in a mutually interesting project is one of the better aspects of a long term relationship. However, periodically doing different things with people other than the partner is also important to prevent "burn out" in a relationship. Don't expect your partner to satisfy all your needs.

• Similar sexual appetites. Unfortunately, sex drive in men and women has evolved differently. Most men's interest in sex remains strong from puberty up to senility. Not so with women!

Costs Versus Rewards Must Be Fair

After two people have lived together for a time, the cost/reward ratio must be fair and equal for a continued happy relationship.

• Are the costs in time, energy, and commitment worth the rewards in the relationship? Both partners must put much of themselves and their resources into a relationship. That is the "cost" of the relationship. The "rewards" are all the things that make the relationship enjoyable and satisfying. If the ratio between the costs and rewards are not equal for both partners, one partner is going to feel ripped-off and feel used. It is going to be an unequal and unfair relationship. Continuation of the relationship will not be satisfying and will not be a wise investment for the one on the short end.

  After the "love" wears thin, the real-life decision for continuing the relationship is based on the "bottom line": costs versus rewards. Are both partners contributing equally to the relationship and life together? If the costs versus rewards ratio is unfair, stress and resentment will cause daily emotional discomfort and eventually disease and an early death.

Visit another EastWest Institute website.